I sat on the floor of my son’s bedroom, toys and clothes scattered everywhere, my heart breaking. Every issue, each wrong decision, all my failures lay in pieces, like my son’s belongings, around me. I called on God for wisdom to figure out where I was going wrong. I knew He had a purpose for me, but I couldn’t find it.
You see, I’d been a Christian for a couple of years. The newness of awesome wonder had faded with the encroachment of everyday life. It seemed that God’s promises for transformation were like writing on an etch-a-sketch being shaken. And I was floundering.
I’d been trying to control my life. Before I had accepted the gospel, I was skeptical of Christians. I’d seen their hypocrisy. I’d never experienced anyone’s genuine love of God reflected completely in someone’s life. Until I did, and I was saved. But, even though our spiritual life instantly changes status, the rest of our life takes time to come into complete submission to God. Especially if you, like me, had not lived a very Christ-like life prior.
In fact, I didn’t know where to start. I had baggage. Baggage that made me desire control over everything. My righteous rigidness with my husband and family would create friction. I didn’t feel like I was a true Christian. How could I be? My life was spinning out of control. I felt like I was a poser, a Christian woman with a genuine heart for God, but one who just didn’t know how to be the person I knew God had called me to be.
An epiphany came to me as I grieved the state of my life on my son’s bedroom floor. God is in control. I had no control over anything except working out my own salvation with fear and trembling. To start, I had to give up trying to change my husband, and instead focus on God and His process of re-creating me through His good and merciful will.
“Remember, Lord, Your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to Your love remember me, for You, Lord, are good” (Psalm 25:6-7 NIV).
I gave up power over my life that day. It’s not that I hadn’t the day I was saved, but I acknowledged a renewed understanding that God. Was. In. Control. Only God. Because whatever I tried to control turned to chaos and pain. Isaiah 55:9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts your thoughts.
I’m not smarter than God. I’m not more powerful than God. How could I change anyone when I myself was a hot mess? It just doesn’t work. It was a arduous process, but worth each step I took toward becoming that woman God purposed me to be.
Since then I have found my purpose in helping other women realize the beauty and greatness that lies within them. Why? Because God has done amazing things in my life, and I have found these abilities I never knew I had. Every time I apply them in my life they blow me away. God is so good.
God has a purpose for all His children. But it starts with knowing where to start. With God being the leader and director in your life.
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